Choice is Not A Soft or Permissive Idea

Why Autonomy Is the Foundation of Real Partnership With Your Horse

(and no, you're not a bad leader or creating chaos by giving your horse a choice)

The idea of giving horses a choice can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you have spent years learning how to stay safe by being in control. When I first encountered this concept, my reaction was not curiosity or excitement. It was fear. Fear that it would be dangerous, fear that my horses would say no, and fear that I would lose something important in the relationship.

That reaction is far more common than many people are willing to admit. Most equestrians care deeply about their horses, and that care is often wrapped up in responsibility, expectation, and a belief that we must always know what is best. But over time, through experience and a lot of self-reflection, I came to understand that choice is not a soft or permissive idea. It is one of the most practical, proactive, grounding, and welfare-centered tools we have.

As I shared in a recent conversation with Samantha of The Elevated Equestrian, “Choice for all species… is a powerful motivator and some would argue a primary reinforcer, meaning that it is necessary for a good quality of life.” When we pause and really sit with that idea, it changes how we view almost every interaction we have with our horses. Choice isn’t just for humans; choice is for all living beings. Having the ability to control outcomes and having some level of control in our own lives, is necessary for everyone.

If we look honestly at the lives most domestic horses live, their autonomy is minimal to non-existent. “They don’t get to pick their companions usually. They don’t get to pick where they sleep at night. They don’t get to pick what food they eat. They don’t even get to pick where their water comes from… They don’t get to pick their saddle. They don’t get to pick the riders. They don’t get to pick anything really.” This is not said as criticism or blame. It is simply their reality in domestication at present, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Because horses live in a human-designed world, it can be easy to overlook what it feels like to have no voice. Yet when humans are placed in environments with no autonomy, the effects on mental health and well-being are profound. “When we have absolutely no choice in anything… we will struggle to thrive, and we will struggle to have a good quality of life.” Horses are no different in this regard. They have nervous systems, emotional responses, and survival strategies that are deeply impacted by a lack of agency.

What often surprises people is that giving horses even small amounts of choice can dramatically improve their quality of life. This does not require radical changes or abandoning responsibility. “When we can give them back some level of autonomy, some level of choice, even in small things… it improves their quality of life significantly.” Sometimes that choice comes through management, like allowing a horse to choose when to go in or out of their shelter. Other times, it shows up in how we choose to train and interact with our horses. Inviting participation instead of demanding compliance, and acknowledging that sometimes compliance is subtly coerced rather than overtly taken.

Of course, the fear around choice is very real. When I first started exploring it, “my immediate thought was… dangerous.” Right behind that was a more vulnerable realization. “My fear around giving my horses a choice was that I feared them saying no. I feared that they would just not choose me… and I feared being rejected.” That fear is deeply human, especially for people who have built their identity around being competent, capable horse people.

Many of us were also taught that control equals safety. We learned that horses are flight animals and that leadership meant making decisions for them at all times. Letting go of that belief can feel like stepping into the unknown. Yet what I found, after actually living this work, was that choice did not make my horses more dangerous. It made them safer.

I trained traditionally for many years. I used pressure and release, stronger tools, and strategies designed to make things happen quickly. Looking back, I can say with honesty that those approaches created far more risk than what I do now. “The amount of injuries and dangerous situations… before when I trained more traditionally… was far more risky and far more dangerous than anything I do now.”

When horses are not allowed to say no, they do not stop feeling discomfort or fear. They simply lose safe ways to communicate it. That pressure eventually comes out as bolting, bucking, rearing, freezing, or complete shutdown. Choice changes that dynamic entirely. “Instead of bolting back to the barn, they just stop and look at me… and touch my boot and ask me to get off, and I say OK, we do something else.” That is not a lack of training. That is communication.

This is where partnership becomes more than a word. We talk about partnership constantly in the horse world, but it is worth asking what that truly means. “Can it be a true partnership if one of the partners doesn’t get to say yes or no, and they’re just being dragged along?” That question can feel uncomfortable, but it is essential.

One of the most important realizations I have had is this. “If my horses can’t say no to something, then what does that yes mean? It doesn’t mean anything. There is no yes, just compliance.” Compliance can look neat and quiet, but it does not reflect consent, comfort, or trust. I do not want a relationship where I hold all the power and my horse simply survives within it. “I have decided that I do want a partnership with my horse. I do not want a relationship… where I am the controlling person and the horse is just subjected to being compliant.”

Choice does not mean chaos. It does not mean never riding again, never asking for effort, or letting horses do whatever they want. It means listening when something changes. It means recognizing that a no is information, not defiance. “A no is resistance. A no is not engaging… It’s the absence of something that would normally be there.”

This is where many people get stuck, because they assume the story ends when a horse says no. In reality, that is where the story begins. “That wasn’t the end of the story. The end of the story was why did she say no? And how can I help her say yes?” When we stop framing no as a loss of control, we open the door to better problem solving, deeper understanding, and more ethical training.

Horses are not trying to win or manipulate us. “Your horse is not winning. It’s not about winning. They are not this manipulative mastermind… trying to take over the world.” They are responding to what feels safe, reinforcing, or threatening in their environment. When we acknowledge that, we can change the experience instead of forcing the behavior.

Choice can be subtle. It can look like noticing a lack of enthusiasm, tension in the body, or hesitation where there used to be ease. It can also be obvious. “If your horse, you walk out to the pasture with a halter in your hand and they run off, guess what? That was a no.” The answer is not to give up. It is to ask questions and make changes. “Something is not pleasant about being caught. What is it? How can I change it?”

What often gets missed in conversations about choice is that it is not about removing structure, guidance, or responsibility. Horses live in a human world, and there are many things we ask of them that are not natural or intuitive. I am very aware of that. Domestication itself requires us to take on a leadership role, to make decisions about healthcare, safety, and daily management. Choice does not mean pretending those realities do not exist.

What it does mean is that within those unavoidable structures, we can decide how much voice our horses are allowed to have. We can decide whether they are merely enduring what we ask of them, or whether they can participate in a way that feels safe and understandable to them. When I talk about choice, I am not talking about abandoning training or goals. I am talking about shifting the internal experience for the horse from helplessness to agency.

That shift is subtle, but it is powerful. 

This is why choice so often leads to calmer horses, not more chaotic ones. When a horse trusts that they can say no without punishment, they do not need to scream. They do not need to explode. They can whisper. And when they whisper, we have the opportunity to respond early, thoughtfully, and ethically, before problems grow larger and more dangerous for everyone involved.

If there are two areas I believe every horse person would benefit from studying, they are learning theory and equine body language. “If you can objectively evaluate a situation and recognize what’s reinforcing… what’s punishing… what’s aversive… what’s appetitive… I think that can transform so much.” And without understanding how horses communicate through their bodies, we miss critical information. “We can’t have a real conversation with our horses when we don’t actually understand the language they’re speaking.”

Giving horses a choice is not easy at first. It often brings up insecurity, frustration, and doubt. You may have to work through your own emotional reactions before you can consistently honor a no. But it is worth it. “When you make yourself give that horse a choice, it’s going to feel so much better. Your relationship is going to improve dramatically… you’re going to be so grateful for it later on.”

Choice is not the opposite of structure. It is the foundation of honest partnership. It is how we create horses who are not just compliant, but genuinely participating. And once you experience what it feels like to be chosen by a horse who is free to say no, the relationship changes in ways that are hard to put into words.

---

If this way of thinking resonates with you, you do not have to figure it out on your own.

Learning how to listen to your horse, recognize their “yes” and “no,” and respond in a way that builds trust takes practice, support, and education. Inside The Willing Equine Academy, this is exactly the work we focus on. You will find structured courses, coaching, and a supportive community designed to help you build clear, ethical, and practical partnerships with your horse, without relying on force or fear. And.. without creating chaos in the pursuit of providing your horse with more autonomy and choice. "If Your Horse Can't Say No, They Can't Say Yes - Adele Shaw"

Whether you choose to explore the Academy, listen to the podcast, or simply start paying closer attention to the small moments of communication with your horse, every step toward listening more deeply matters.

Your horse is already speaking. The question is whether we are ready to hear them.